


It's Been Awhile

by SpoonyLupin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Male Bonding, Mild Sexual Content, Mildly Dubious Consent, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-08-10 17:16:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7854040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpoonyLupin/pseuds/SpoonyLupin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just before the death of James and Lily, Remus and Sirius’s relationship is quickly coming apart at the seams, complicated by the ever-escalating war. Following Sirius’s arrest and subsequent time in Azkaban, will they be able to repair what’s left after fourteen years of separation and distrust?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sudden Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including, but not limited to, Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros. Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
> 
> This was inspired by and takes its title from the song of the same name by Staind.

“ _Moony_.”

Sirius thrust into Remus one last time, tightening his grip on Remus’s shoulders. It was almost like Sirius was clinging on for dear life, something Remus had begun to live for. When Sirius held on to him like that, it made him feel loved and wanted, something he didn’t feel a whole hell of a lot lately. It was just the damn war, making everything so complicated.

Remus shuddered under him, not from his own release, but simply from the sensation of being so close to Sirius. Sometimes if he closed his eyes tight enough, it was almost like things were okay again. He could imagine that there was no war and nothing else to complicate their relationship. It was like things were when they first moved in to their flat together after graduation, when things were still new and exciting, but always comfortable. It was like they were in love again.

But just like that, the moment was over, the one that Remus wished could go on lasting forever. Once Sirius caught his breath, he opened and closed his mouth several times like he wanted to say something, but he never did. Not after they were finished. Remus could see Sirius swallowing in the dark before he turned his head away, his long black hair falling to cover his face. Sirius released his hold on Remus and pulled out of him, crawling over to his side of the bed, and plopping down with his back to Remus.

Remus didn’t even know why he let this go on anymore. The only thing remaining of their relationship was sex, and once it was all over, Remus felt used and discarded like a piece of rubbish. But when Sirius came home in the mood, Remus was anxious to comply with whatever he wanted. Remus knew it would end like this, with them lying in their bed like strangers, but he always wanted that moment immediately afterwards, when Sirius held on to him and whispered his nickname. Remus knew it would never last, but he needed it, craved it anyway. It was like a drug.

Remus never said anything about how he felt their relationship was degrading. After all, Remus wasn’t one to stir up trouble, but it was starting to hurt too much to simply be ignored after they finished having sex. When Remus thought of it that way - as just _sex_ \- it hurt even more. There had been a time when they _made love_ , but those days were gone, just another one of the casualties of this war. Remus knew it had been nothing but sex for months now, but he never said no. Perhaps he should start to, because as glorious as that needed feeling was, the fall afterwards completely destroyed any good feeling that lingered.

Then again, sex was just about the only thing that remained of their relationship. If Remus wasn’t willing, he didn’t know how much longer they would even be together. And maybe that was just as well, because Remus knew he shouldn’t allow himself to be used like this. On the other hand, he still loved Sirius deeply. He knew that was no longer reciprocated, but Remus didn’t know if he could bear it if their relationship came to an end. Everything around them was falling apart; people were dying left and right, and it was scary as hell not knowing what news would be awaiting them when they woke up in the morning. His relationship with Sirius, their life together - as much of it that remained - was one of the few constants in his life. It had been ever since seventh year. Remus needed that, that sense of normalcy, even more than he needed to stand up for himself.

But tonight, it simply hurt too much to keep being ignored by Sirius like this. It simply hurt too much to know that the love he had once shared with Sirius no longer existed, yet they were continuing on in this farce of a relationship.

“So that’s how it’s going to be again?” Remus asked into the darkness. “You’re going to go on pretending that I don’t exist until the next time you want some?”

Sirius turned his head, still keeping it on his pillow and looking back over his shoulder at Remus. He opened and closed his mouth several more times. They both seemed so lost for words anymore. “When do I ever pretend like you don’t exist?” Sirius finally asked quietly.

Remus scoffed. “You really don’t know, do you? When was the last time we just sat down and _talked_? When was the last time you came home and genuinely wanted to spend time with me in a way that didn’t involve sex? When was the last time we even ate a meal together?” Remus hadn’t intended to start complaining about every little thing that was wrong with their relationship, but once he started, he found that he couldn’t stop.

“I don’t…” Sirius sounded completely confused, like he had absolutely no idea what Remus was even talking about or why he sounded so upset. “…We talk.”

“Yeah, about Order business.”

Sirius flopped over on to his back. He stared at up the ceiling instead of at Remus, but at least Remus wasn’t faced with Sirius’s back any longer. “Yeah,” Sirius said in annoyance, “and speaking of Order business, we’re _gone_ a lot of the day. Both of us. It’s not like we even have _time_ to sit down and have a meal together. I don’t like it anymore than you do, but that’s the way it is.” He was quiet for a while before he added, “Maybe you should have thought about that before you decided to join up.”

“That’s not what the problem is!” Remus snapped. “It has nothing to do with Order business. I just meant it would be nice if all of our time together wasn‘t spent having sex.”

“You weren’t complaining about it at the time.”

Remus clenched his teeth and closed his eyes. “No, I wasn’t, but perhaps I should start to.”

“Is that what this is about?” Sirius asked incredulously. “I’m not satisfying you anymore?”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Merlin, I love you, Sirius, but sometimes trying to get through to you is like talking to a brick wall.” He sat up, intending to go and sleep on the couch like he was starting to do more and more whenever things got to be unbearable with Sirius. However, Sirius stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“Don’t go away angry, Remus,” Sirius pleaded, his eyes large and round in the dark. He held on to Remus’s arm for a few more seconds, but then he released it, almost like their touch had grown to be uncomfortable. Which never used to happen. Things never used to be awkward between them.

Hesitating briefly, Remus dropped the short distance back down to the mattress, but remained in a sitting position. “So I’m Remus again?”

“I always call you Remus.” Sirius sounded even more confused than ever.

“Remember when we were at school together?” Remus asked. He was staring down at his lap, but he kept looking at Sirius out of the corner of his eye. “We were in second year when you guys figured out that I was a werewolf. It wasn’t long after that you came up with my nickname, and then all three of you started using it. All the time. I never heard my given name from you three unless one of you was seriously angry with me, which was hardly ever.”

“What’s your point?” Sirius sounded tired now, almost like he wanted to turn back over and go to sleep.

“The only time you call me Moony anymore is when we’re having sex.” He turned his head to look at Sirius face-to-face for the first time since this conversation had begun. “All other times, I’m Remus now.”

“I didn’t know being called by your given name bothered you so much,” Sirius sighed. “I’ll try and remember.”

Remus shook his head. “You’re not even listening to me.”

“I’m trying to!” Sirius exclaimed. “I’m just hearing a lot of complaints about what _I’m_ doing wrong - silly little things, too, it sounds like - so forgive me if I’m defensive.”

“You were the one who told me not to go away angry,” Remus pointed out. “Why’d you stop me if you didn’t want me to talk about how I’m feeling?”

“Because.” Sirius didn’t say anything more right away, but continued to look up at Remus. “You hate when we go to bed angry,” he finally added, but for some reason, Remus didn’t think that was what he’d really wanted to say.

“What’s happening to us?” Remus asked. “We’ve always bickered. Even when we first met, James was teasing us for being like an old married couple.” He laughed. “It rather surprised him when he found out that he wasn’t far off.” Pausing, Remus’s expression turned serious again. “But all those arguments were usually over something silly and petty. Things that we’d quickly forget about. Never anything of lasting consequence. So why are things so complicated between us now?”

Sirius opened his mouth, but then seemed to think better of what he was going to say. He sighed heavily instead and threw an arm over his eyes. “I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do,” Remus said knowingly, reaching out to pull Sirius‘s arm away from his eyes. “Tell me what you were going to say.”

Sirius just stared helplessly up at him for a very long time. “I _don’t_ know,” he repeated after a while. “I feel like using the war as an excuse is just a cop-out anymore.”

“It isn’t if that’s how you feel.”

Squirming around a little bit, Sirius clenched his teeth, looking very uncomfortable. He growled in frustration before he admitted, “Fine. It is how I feel. This whole ruddy war has me feeling so out of sorts, I don’t know which way is up anymore. I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know who’s going to be there tomorrow. I’m angry, and I’m stressed, and I’m _tired_ -” He stopped abruptly and took a deep breath. “I’m just so tired…of living this way.”

“We all are, Padfoot.” Remus turned towards and lowered himself back towards the mattress, propping himself up on his elbow. “None of this was meant to be an attack on you. I just wanted to talk about how things have been between us, because they haven’t been good. You have to know that.”

“Of course I do,” Sirius whispered miserably, like he was admitting defeat. “This is how I deal with things sometimes, remember? I pretend like they’re not even there and just hope they’ll go away.”

Remus began picking at a couple loose threads on the corner of his pillowcase. “I don’t think this is going to go away. That’s why I brought it up.”

“I know it’s not. At least not until this war is over, and Merlin only knows when that’ll be.” Sirius shifted around and turned his head on his pillow to face Remus. “I’m sorry I wasn’t being very receptive when you wanted to talk about it. You’re right. Things are basically a disaster between us, and…” Sirius suddenly furrowed his brow as if something had just occurred to him. “Did I hurt you?”

“In what context?”

“When we were…” Sirius trailed off, motioning between them. “I know I get carried away sometimes.”

“God, no,” Remus replied immediately. “If you did, I would have said something. That’s not what this is about - the sex. Not primarily. What hurts me is the way you just…roll over and go to sleep when we’re done. Remember when we used to spend all night holding each other, talking about pointless things until the sun came up?”

Sirius lifted his head off of his pillow a little bit. “That’s what this is about? Because we don’t cuddle enough?”

Remus could feel his face burning red. He wondered if Sirius could see it in the darkness. “That sounds silly, doesn’t it?”

“No.” Sirius’s response was honest, curious.

“And, well…it’s not just that,” Remus continued before he could lose his nerve, “but it is little things like that.”

“Like not talking more before we get to the sex part, hm?”

“Exactly.”

“I never meant…” Sirius changed his mind and shook his head. “I don’t know what I meant. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing half the time.” Sirius turned over onto his side so he was facing Remus completely. “Did I ever make you feel unloved? Or used?”

Ducking his head, Remus stared down at his pillow. He didn’t want to answer, didn’t want to accuse Sirius of anything. Besides, the concerned tone in Sirius’s voice made Remus feel rather silly for ever feeling that way in the first place. This was Sirius. He could be rash and stupid sometimes, but Remus knew he would never do anything to deliberately hurt him.

In the end, Sirius didn’t need him to answer. He threw a hand over his eyes and muttered, “Morgan, I’m sorry, Moony.”

Remus reached for Sirius’s hand again, pulling it away from his face. “You called me Moony.”

Sirius smiled, although it didn‘t quite reach his eyes. “And I’ll call you that a million times over if it’ll make you feel better. I know I haven’t been the easiest person to get along with lately, but none of this was ever just sex for me, and I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. I love you. I don’t know why, but I do.”

Remus grimaced. “You don’t know why?”

“No,” Sirius admitted. “I honestly have no clue, because…for a long time, I didn’t even think I was capable of feeling so many things for one single person.” Sirius grabbed one of Remus’s hands in his own, holding on to it tightly. “You’re my world, and I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t. I’d be lost.”

“I love you, too,” Remus replied, that smile that had been absent for far too long slowly making its way across his features again. He leaned forward, pressing his lips against Sirius’s in a silent kiss.

Sirius turned over onto his back again, pulling Remus towards him until his head was cradled against Sirius’s chest. When Remus felt Sirius’s strong arm wrapping tightly around his shoulders, Remus closed his eyes, quickly feeling himself drifting off. He didn’t see Sirius staring out the window, as if he was looking for answers in the branches of the tree outside.

~~~~~~~~~~

When Remus awoke the next morning, he was still cuddled around Sirius’s side of the bed, except Remus was alone. He rubbed at his eyes and stretched, wondering where Sirius could be. It was Sunday, and they didn’t have to be anywhere today, not even for Order business. Sirius loved to sleep late whenever he could, and he hardly ever got up before Remus did.

“Padfoot?” Remus called, sitting up. When no answer came, he pushed the covers aside, reaching for his pajama pants and t-shirt which had been strewn on the floor the night before. Their flat wasn’t that big; if Sirius was here at all, he should have answered.

As Remus got dressed, his heart began hammering wildly in his chest. There was no reason to think that something was wrong, but Remus couldn’t help it. Any time someone disappeared without warning, his mind automatically went wild, assuming the worst thing possible had happened.

Remus left their bedroom and stuck his head into the bathroom that was just off their room. When that proved empty, Remus made his way out to the sitting room. No one was there either, so he continued on to the kitchen. He had known that would be deserted, too. The sitting room and the kitchen were connected, separated by a large archway. Remus could clearly see if anyone was in the kitchen before he even got there, but somewhere deep inside, he was desperately hoping Sirius would be in one of the corners for some obscure reason. But no. Remus was completely alone.

He took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair. There was absolutely no reason to think that anything had happened. Perhaps Sirius had gotten up early and went to get something for breakfast. If anything would drag Sirius out of bed on his day off, it was an empty stomach.

“Calm down, Moony,” Remus whispered to himself. He took some deep breaths, trying the slow the rapid beating of his heart. He reached for the kettle, intending to make himself some tea to calm his nerves. By the time he sat down on the sofa with it, Sirius would be walking in the door, his arms carrying more doughnuts than Remus would be able to shake a stick at. Sirius loved doughnuts for breakfast.

Just then, however, a knock sounded at the door, causing Remus’s heart to start thundering anew. “You’re being ridiculous,” Remus muttered as he made his way to the door. There weren’t any signs pointing to anything out of the ordinary, so nothing was wrong. Nothing! But he knew there was. Somehow he knew.

“Albus,” Remus said in surprise when he opened the door. Indeed, Dumbledore was standing out on the stoop, and Remus’s mind went into overdrive, trying to come up with “normal” explanations for why he was there. Because nothing was wrong. Even though he knew there was. “Er…“ Remus stammered, “we didn’t…have a meeting, did we?” Remus pushed his hair back from his face, desperately wishing he had taken a shower when he’d gotten up.

“No,” Dumbledore whispered. He hung his head for a moment and asked, “Could I come in?”

“Of course.” Remus stepped aside so that Dumbledore could enter. “I was just about to have some tea…can I get you anything?”

“No,” Dumbledore repeated. “This isn’t a social visit.”

A lump had formed in Remus’s throat, and his legs suddenly felt like they were filled with jelly. He didn’t want to say it, because saying it might make it come true, but he couldn’t stop himself. The words were out of his mouth almost before he was able to process them. “Something’s wrong.” His voice was shaking. He didn’t even need Albus to confirm it, because Remus already knew. He’d known for a while already, could feel it despite all the reassurances he was trying to give himself.

“Perhaps we should sit down,” Dumbledore said, gesturing into the sitting room.

Remus didn’t want to sit down. He wanted Albus to tell him what the hell had happened, but Remus’s throat was too tight to speak. His legs were beginning to shake impossibly hard, so he simply made his way over to the sofa for fear that he might fall over if he tried to remain upright. Remus felt like a zombie, like he wasn’t even there in the sitting room he shared with Sirius. Everything felt strange, disconnected, dreamlike. If only it was a dream. If only he could wake up in bed with Sirius still cuddled next to him.

When Dumbledore joined him on the couch, he played with his hands momentarily. Remus wanted to scream for him to just tell him already, that this silence was unbearable, but no sounds were forming in Remus’s throat. Then again, Remus didn’t want to know. Not really.

Albus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “James and Lily are dead.”

Remus tried to swallow away the lump in his throat, but it didn’t want to budge. He had about a million questions he wanted to ask, but he couldn’t seem to form any of them. Remus’s heart hurt, but it was an odd feeling. Just beneath the sorrow that he knew was just beginning, there was a tiny bit of relief, because it wasn’t Sirius. That made him feel awful, for finding any kind of joy in the destruction of Harry’s family, but Remus didn’t know if he could go on without Sirius. He needed Sirius like he needed air to breath. As long as he still had Sirius, he‘d be able to go on. He would.

“Harry…?” Remus finally got out in a strangled voice.

“Harry’s fine,” Albus replied immediately. “It was Voldemort, and he tried to kill all three of them, but Harry was somehow miraculously left untouched.”

That was when Remus knew that the bad news wasn’t over. Something else had clicked in his head; it didn’t quite register, but Remus knew it was coming.

“There are rumors that Voldemort, too, died in the attack,” Dumbledore went on, shaking his head grimly, “but I don’t believe it.”

“Who else?” Remus demanded, because he could tell Albus was trying to beat around the bush.

Dumbledore hesitated, like he wanted to deny that anyone else was dead, but he couldn’t. “Peter.”

Remus let out a harsh breath which quickly faded into a sob. He didn’t know why it had taken Peter’s name to draw that kind of reaction out of him. Or maybe he did. Somewhere in the very back of his mind, Remus thought he could see where all of this was going, what more Albus had to tell him, but he was still desperately clinging on to the hope that he was wrong. Please let him be wrong.

There was a long moment of silence before Dumbledore went on, “Sirius was James and Lily’s Secret-Keeper.”

Remus’s eyes stung at those words, at the harsh reality they implied. “He wouldn’t,” was all Remus could say. He’d known where this was going before Dumbledore even said anything, but still, none of this made any sense to Remus at all. Sirius loved James like a brother. He loved Harry like a son. He would never do anything to hurt them.

“I didn’t think so either,” Dumbledore sighed heavily. “As far as we can tell, he betrayed them to Voldemort.”

Pressing his hand over his mouth, Remus tried to keep his bottom lip from quivering. He could feel the sobs building up inside him, almost like a dam about to burst, but he fought as hard as he could against the sensation. Dumbledore kept talking, and Remus wanted to tell him to be quiet, because he didn’t want to hear anymore. He couldn’t hear anymore.

This was getting even more ridiculous by the second. Sirius hated Voldemort and the Death Eaters, and everything else that went along with them. He hated his brother, Regulus, for joining up with them. Remus had heard more than his fair share of Sirius’s rants about how he would be different than the rest of the Blacks. That he would never stoop to their level no matter how hard his family pressured him in to it. Sirius would never sell one of his best friends to Voldemort. Never.

“Peter found out earlier this morning,” Dumbledore said, oblivious to Remus’s feelings. “He tracked Sirius down, intending to avenge James and Lily.” Pausing once more, Dumbledore shook his head. “Peter was no match for him.”

The dam broke. The sobs that he had desperately been trying to hold in began escaping, Remus’s hand doing nothing to stop them. And yet, Dumbledore kept speaking, kept pouring more salt into his already open and gaping wounds.

“Sirius attacked him so vengefully,” Dumbledore said quietly, “he also killed thirteen Muggles who were standing nearby. He‘s on his way to Azkaban as we speak.”

Remus squeezed his eyes shut, but it did nothing to stop the tears. They leaked from the corners of his eyes, quickly falling down his cheeks, splattering on his hand and on his pajama pants. The very same pajama pants Sirius had desperately been yanking off the night before. Never in a million years did Remus ever imagine that just fifteen hours later, Sirius would be gone, branded a murderer and on his way to prison for it.

“No,” Remus moaned, but he really didn’t know what it was in response to. Perhaps because, somewhere deep down, he knew that this entire story was absurd. That Sirius, _his_ Sirius, would never betray anyone, much less the person that he regarded as the brother he never had. Moreover, Sirius would never _kill_ anyone, not Peter, and not a bunch of defenseless Muggles. But perhaps Remus’s word was also because he didn’t want to hear anymore. His world was already falling apart, and he wanted Dumbledore to stop talking before Remus lost anything else. Like Dumbledore’s words were causing these things to happen instead of the other way around.

The thing was, Remus didn’t have anything else to lose. Lily, Harry, and the Marauders were his entire world. Sirius especially, but he didn’t have anything else other than them. Now they were all gone in one way or another. Except…

“Harry,” Remus pleaded. It was the very last thing he had left, and Remus felt like it very well might be the last thread of sanity he had to hold on to. Remus didn’t have the strength to voice anything else, but Dumbledore seemed to understand.

“His aunt and uncle - Lily’s sister and brother-in-law - have taken him in,” Dumbledore replied. “He’ll be taken care of.”

Remus pressed his hand over his eyes, like he could erase this entire day if he rubbed at them hard enough. He could feel Dumbledore’s hand on his shoulder, trying to offer him some comfort, and Remus wanted to shake it off. He felt betrayed by Dumbledore’s words. Remus didn’t even know which part of this was worse. He almost couldn’t comprehend the fact that all of this had happened and that Harry had been shipped off to his aunt and uncle’s before Remus even heard a word. Was he the last one to find out? Because it certainly felt that way. Then again, Remus couldn’t imagine Dumbledore being in a hurry to tell Remus that his lover had been responsible for taking Remus’s entire world away from him.

Remus had trusted Sirius above everyone else in his life. Ever since he found out that Sirius had become an Animagus for him, their relationship had changed, deepened. Much more so than Remus’s relationship with either James or Peter. Things had been different between Remus and Sirius from that moment on. Remus had never been one to trust easily, but it was then that he knew Sirius would never do anything in the world to hurt Remus. That he would go to the ends of the earth to protect him. Had that all been a lie? Had Remus been fooling himself for all these years?

It would be thirteen years before Remus would learn that his trust in Sirius hadn’t been misplaced.

_To be concluded…_


	2. Final Hello

_Fourteen years later…_

Remus paced the small sitting room of his cottage. Every now and then, he’d go to the front door to look out the window, and when his yard proved to be empty, he’d resume his steps back and forth across the old and worn floorboards. His heart was beating frantically, almost like it did on that horrific day fourteen years ago, but now it was for an entirely different reason.

His last letter from Sirius lay open on the small table behind the sofa. He’d been instructed by Dumbledore to alert the old crowd and then to await further contact at Remus’s. That meant Sirius was coming to stay with him for a while, at least until Albus had additional assignments for them. It was all happening again - a war - and it terrified Remus, but at the same time, he felt slightly comforted. At least some things would be better, different this time, because he and Sirius knew they could trust each other now, even though that lesson had come at a steep price.

Remus was anxious to see Sirius, perhaps more anxious than he’d ever been for anything in his entire life. It had been a year since the last time they had seen each other in the Shrieking Shack, and that entire evening had happened so fast. Almost as soon as Remus learned the truth, and before he really even had time to process everything, Sirius was gone again. They still had so much to talk about. They had been keeping in contact over the last year through letters, but there were so many things that were left unsaid. Things they were putting on hold until they could talk them out in person.

Now that moment was upon them, but Remus didn’t now if he was ready. Oh, he missed Sirius desperately, and he wanted nothing more in the world than to see him, but he was terrified. What would their distrust and years of separation mean for their relationship? Could they pick up where they had left off? Would Sirius even want to? They had both changed so much over the years, Remus was sure. Could they even fit together anymore the way they once had?

But Remus decided he was getting ahead of himself. Sirius had been in Azkaban for thirteen years and on the run for another year. Surely he’d have a lot of adjusting to do before he even thought about where he stood with Remus. It was selfish, Remus decided, to think about his relationship with Sirius when he had much more pressing matters to deal with at the moment. What Sirius really needed more than anything was a friend, and Remus intended to be that for him, no questions asked. After all, Sirius had been his best friend before he had been his lover, and that was really all Remus wanted - to have his best friend back. As long as they could repair that much, nothing else seemed to matter.

Remus paced back to the door once again, pressing his hands up against the wood as he looked out the window. That was when he saw him, a dozen or so feet away, making his way towards Remus’s cottage, silhouetted by the faint light of the half moon. Remus’s heart began beating impossibly faster, but he forced himself to calm down as he opened the door.

At first, Sirius didn’t see him, not until he raised his eyes and started ascending the three small steps to the front porch. When their gaze met, Sirius froze in the middle of the stoop.

Remus gripped the edge of the door tightly, feeling just as awkward as Sirius clearly did. Remus wanted to reach out for him, to hug him, but he didn’t know if that would be welcome. They’d hugged back in the Shrieking Shack, but that had been the first time they had seen each other in thirteen years. Would such a gesture be okay now, or would it make Sirius uncomfortable? Remus stared down at the doorknob, feeling caught between what he wanted to do, and what he thought he should do.

“Moony,” Sirius whispered. When Remus looked up at him again, a grin engulfed Sirius’s face. He quickly closed the distance between them, crossing the threshold into Remus’s house, and wrapping his arms tightly around him.

Letting go of the door, Remus gladly embraced Sirius back just as tightly. They clung to each other for a while, almost like the other one might disappear, might turn out to only be a dream if they let go. Remus buried his face into Sirius’s shoulder, not even caring that his robes were filthy or that they smelled awful.

They finally released each other when things started bordering on uncomfortable. Remus stepped aside, letting Sirius walk further into the foyer, while Remus closed the door behind him.

“How’s Harry?” Remus asked. It was the first question that came into his mind, and he wanted to say something before the silence between them started to become unbearable.

“As well as can be expected, I suppose,” Sirius said, turning to face Remus again. “He’s shaken up, of course, but he’s okay.”

Remus nodded, that pesky silence settling into the air again. “Er…I have dinner ready. But if you’d rather get cleaned up first, I can keep it warm.”

Sirius threw his head back slightly, like he was enjoying the very sound of the words. “Merlin, yes, a bath first.”

Remus gestured to the stairs the led up to the first floor. “You know where everything is.” He paused, something occurring to him, something that made a blush of embarrassment rise up in his cheeks. Remus had moved back to his childhood home after Sirius had been arrested. It had been too painful to remain at the flat they had shared, where every single inch of the place reminded him of Sirius. Even though Sirius had been to Remus’s childhood home a few times during their years at Hogwarts, at least it didn’t hold the memories of him that their flat had. It had been the been the most familiar and comforting place that Remus could stand at the time. “Or do you? It’s been nearly twenty years since you’ve been here.”

“I remember,” Sirius said around a smirk. “I was just in Azkaban, Moony, I don’t have amnesia,” he teased.

That comforted Remus, to know that they could still make jokes to each other, and that Sirius was able to do so after all he had been through. “Right,” Remus replied dryly. “I laid out a clean towel, washcloth, and toothbrush in the bathroom, and you can help yourself to whatever’s in my closet.”

Sirius climbed the stairs, leaving Remus alone in the foyer, wondering if things would ever feel normal between them again.

~~~~~~~~~~

Remus set the table in the kitchen, purposely taking his time so that he’d have something to occupy himself with for as long as possible. When that was finished, he kept compulsively checking the oven to make sure that dinner wasn’t burning. Then he’d walk into the foyer and stand at the bottom of the stairs in case Sirius was calling for anything. When silence met his ears, Remus would return to the kitchen, making sure that the table was set with everything they needed before resuming the process all over again.

It occurred to Remus just how crazy Sirius was capable of making him. Even before he had been arrested, Sirius had a way of getting on Remus’s nerves, usually by being unnecessarily loud or annoying. Now it was because Remus was afraid for him, and he didn’t know how to even begin to go about helping him. That scared Remus senseless, but nevertheless, it was a little bit comforting to know that some things never changed.

When Remus checked the oven for about the millionth time, he finally heard Sirius descend the steps and enter the kitchen. It made Remus slightly uncomfortable, knowing that Sirius was behind him, watching him. He hated that, because things never used to be awkward between then, even when they had first met. It was just something that years of distrust and separation had created.

“God, Moony,” Sirius said, sniffing at the air. “Whatever it is, it smells amazing.”

Remus forced himself to straighten up and face his friend. He thought it was selfish of him to think of Sirius as his _best_ friend - after all, best friends trusted each other - but there certainly wasn’t anyone else in Remus’s life who ever fulfilled that role. Not like Sirius had.

At least Sirius looked ten times better than he had before. He had shaved, and his newly washed hair was still wet, but combed back neatly. He was wearing one of Remus’s favorite jumpers - a dark green one, softened with age, that Remus often wore when he needed some extra comfort - and a pair of tan trousers.

“It’s nothing special,” Remus said, mostly to break the silence that had formed. “Just chicken. And mashed potatoes and gravy.”

Sirius looked at Remus like he had a cat curled up on his head, taking a nap. “After what I’ve been living on,” Sirius said, “that is a meal fit for a king.” He hurried over to Remus, trying to see into the oven. “Can I help?”

“No!” Remus scolded. “You’re the guest. Go sit down.”

When Sirius stood up straight, his face was only a few inches away from Remus’s. They stood like that for a very long time, and Remus realized they were both breathing a little bit harder than they should have.

“Don’t you remember?” Sirius asked quietly.

Remus tried to look away, but he found that he couldn’t. He was transfixed by Sirius’s eyes, by their close proximity. Maybe because Remus had some crazy idea that he might find answers to all the questions he had in them. “Remember what?”

“When we were younger,” Sirius whispered, “we said we’d never be guests in each other’s houses. Because our home would always be where the other one was.”

That thought made Remus’s eyes burn with tears. Perhaps because this wasn’t how things were supposed to go, not for them. After Hogwarts, they were planning on spending their lives together, but that had been snatched away from them so quickly. Remus cleared his throat, stepping away from Sirius, because the closeness had grown to be too much to bear. The thought that they had lost everything hurt too much to keep talking about it. “Yeah. Of course I remember.”

“Moony-”

“We should eat,” Remus cut him off. “I don’t want it to burn.”

Sirius stared at him for several seconds, but he finally nodded. He retreated to the table, playing with the tines on his fork while Remus served the food. They ate in silence, the only sounds that of silverware on their plates. The only communication they shared were uncomfortable glances until the contents of their plates were reduced to unused pools of gravy.

When they swallowed their last bites, Sirius tried again. “Moony-”

Remus, however, immediately got to his feet, picked up his plate, and carried it over to the sink. “I have tea and biscuits for dessert if you‘re still hungry. Nothing special, but-” He paused and laughed. “I keep forgetting. Food fit for a king, right?” He went to one of the cupboards, pulling out a couple of small saucers. “I think I have vanilla some ice cream, too, if you want that. I know you always liked to have your biscuits with ice cream.”

“You’re rambling,” Sirius observed from the table.

Setting the saucers down on the counter, Remus stared at them, still unable to meet Sirius’s eyes. He thought he knew exactly what Sirius was going to say next, and that made Remus feel like a deer caught in headlights.

“When are you going to talk about this with me?” Sirius asked. “Any time I try to say something, you interrupt. Any time I tried to bring up the topic for conversation in my letters, you ignored every single thing I ever said about it.”

Those tears were burning at Remus’s eyes again. He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed the back of one hand over his mouth, but that did nothing to stop them. The tears started to leak out from between his eyelids anyway.

Sirius quickly got up from the table and crossed the room, but he stayed several paces away from Remus, just in case his presence wouldn’t be welcome again.

“Because if we talk about it,” Remus said shakily, his voice still muffled by his hand, “I’m going to have to apologize.” He took a deep breath and lowered his hand, forcing himself to face Sirius. “For everything I did wrong. For all the mistakes I made.”

Closing the gap between them, Sirius reached out for Remus’s shoulders. “You did _nothing_ wrong!”

“I did!” Remus argued. He was starting to shake with pent up emotions, ones that he had tried to avoid for fourteen long years, but he was beginning to suspect he had reached the breaking point. He just couldn’t keep them inside any longer. A dam had burst somewhere deep inside him, and they were pouring out. He shook his head harshly, trying to keep them at bay long enough to get his words out. He held Sirius’s gaze steadily as he spoke.

“I never told you how I found out that day. Dumbledore came to tell me. And I knew the entire story was bollocks. I knew you’d never do those things. I knew! I wanted to tell him he was off his rocker, because my _best friend_ , the man I was _in love with_ would never kill anyone! Would never do anything to hurt his brother, sister-in-law, or godson. But here he was, telling me that they already knew you were guilty. I didn’t know what to think, other than Dumbledore wouldn’t say those things unless he _knew_. I guess we always thought of him as…infallible. And I know no one’s perfect, but Dumbledore’s always been as close to perfect in my eyes as anyone can get. So I accepted that he was right. Deep down I knew he wasn‘t, but…I just didn‘t know what else to think. I began to suspect that I was fooling myself into denial or something. I don‘t know.” Remus said all of this in a rush, and when he finally stopped for a moment, he gasped in several breaths. When he continued on, his voice was much calmer. “I’m sorry I didn’t trust my instincts! That I disregarded everything that ever happened between us so easily!”

“Even if you did know,” Sirius said, squeezing his shoulders, “there wasn’t anything you could have done.”

Remus shook his head again, this time in disagreement. “I could have come to see you! Maybe if I gave you a chance to explain, to tell me your side of the story, maybe I would have really believed it then. I could have done _something_ …”

“This is the Ministry we’re talking about,” Sirius cut him off. “They wouldn’t have made it that easy for you. Certainly not for a werewolf, _definitely_ not one that was in a relationship with the accused. They would have made a public spectacle out of you if you tried to argue it.”

“I don’t care,” Remus said firmly. “They could have made me look ridiculous all they wanted. I would have fought like crazy to get you out of there if I had known. And I‘m sorry I didn‘t.”

Sirius sighed heavily. “I don’t want you to apologize. Not to me. I don’t blame you one bit for anything that happened. I would have believed it myself if Dumbledore told me something like that. Like you said, he’s a bit infallible to us. But I could have handled things a whole hell of a lot better myself, but since we’re on the subject, I need to apologize to you, too.”

“But you didn’t-”

Sirius silenced Remus by pressing a finger over his lips. It was the closest gesture they had shared since other than hugs since they had been reunited. It made Remus’s heart start to beat erratically, but then he mentally kicked himself; they had so many more things to discuss before they even got to that part of their relationship.

Sirius lowered his finger. “In the Shrieking Shack,” he said, “I said I didn’t tell you about the switch because I thought you were the traitor. You can’t believe how many nights I laid awake in Azkaban, beating myself up over the fact that I didn’t trust you when I should have. _My_ best friend, the man _I_ was in love with. You were the one I should have trusted above all others, and I didn’t. I didn’t even have anyone telling me you were guilty. I just…believed it. For no reason.” He was quiet for a moment, considering this. “Or maybe I did have a reason, but none of it was because of you. It was because I always thought Peter was too stupid to be that…conniving.” He snorted. “That probably should have been my first clue. Only stupid people would turn to Voldemort.”

“I could never blame you for that,” Remus said slowly, carefully. “You were doing what you thought was best to protect James, Lily, and Harry. That’s something I could never fault you for.” Remus finally pulled away from him, away from his grasp, and he started to pace to the other side of the kitchen. “It _never_ crossed my mind that it might have been Peter either. Even after everything that happened - when I still thought everyone was crazy for thinking you responsible - it never occurred to me that it could have been _Peter_ all along. The very idea was ludicrous to me.”

Sirius watched him for a while, and then he said, “But you still never suspected me until you had a reason.”

“None of them were good enough,” Remus said, turning to face him once again. “I know that now.”

“Nor were mine.”

Remus opened his mouth to respond, but then he thought better of it and closed it. He turned his attention to a bowl of fruit on the island counter, turning it around for something to do. When the silence got to be uncomfortable once more, he spoke. “There’s something else that doesn’t make sense to me. Something I’ve been trying to figure out myself for the last year. And I’m not saying any of this to accuse you-”

“I want us to talk things out,” Sirius said reassuringly. “Whatever you need to ask me, you can, and I’ll try my best to answer.”

Remus clung to the distraction of the fruit for a few more seconds, but then he forced himself to stop. He and Sirius would never sort things out if they couldn’t be honest with each other. “If you thought I was the spy, why did you stay in a relationship with me?” he asked before he could change his mind.

Sirius made a face. At first, Remus thought he was angry, but then Sirius let out a breathless laugh. “I knew that question was coming. When we were together, I always prided myself on knowing what you were thinking. Remember? We always referred to it as my dictionary.” Remus didn’t reply, so Sirius went on, “I thought that might have faded over the years, but…I guess I was wrong.”

It was Sirius’s turn to fiddle with random objects on the counter. He began fingering the two saucers that Remus had set down. “I don’t know,” he said, sounding a bit desperate. “It was for a lot of different reasons, I guess.” When he looked up, his own eyes were swimming. “I meant what I said the very last time we talked before I was arrested. I told you I loved you, and I meant it. I never would have said that if I didn’t.”

“You also said you didn’t know _why_ you loved me,” Remus interjected. “Only recently did I realize what you must have meant by that.”

“I was so confused,” Sirius pleaded. “Part of me did think you were the traitor, and I didn’t know how on earth I could go on loving anyone like that. I knew it was completely bonkers, but my love wasn’t something I could just turn off. I was still feeling so many intense emotions for you, and the _last_ thing I wanted was to be without you, even if I did believe you capable of horrible things. I also told you that I’d be lost without you, that you were my _entire world_ , and that was true, too. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together after Hogwarts, and I still wanted that more than anything. I didn’t want to end things, because if I did, I knew I owed you the truth why. I didn’t have any proof that you _were_ the traitor. I still thought I might be wrong - hoped to Merlin I was - and I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting you with such horrible accusations if I _was_ wrong. I didn’t think you’d ever forgive me for that.” He pushed the small plates aside, leaning back against the counter. “I kept hoping that if I waited long enough, someone else would be exposed as the traitor, and you’d never have to know that I once suspected you. That we could go on living our lives together like nothing had even happened.”

Remus froze, staring down at the counter. Not because of Sirius’s explanation, but because he had once again been reminded of all they had lost. That they had been robbed of the life they were planning on spending together. It made him so angry, he almost couldn’t comprehend it.

Sensing the change in his friend’s demeanor, Sirius crossed the room, pulling Remus into his arms again and hugging him tight. Remus, however, pushed him away.

“This is so wrong,” Remus muttered, wiping away the tears that had fallen from his eyes. “You’re the one that’s been in Azkaban all these years. You’re the one that’s been on the run. You’re the one I should be comforting. Not the other way around.” He turned away, almost feeling compelled to run from the room like a silly child, but Sirius stopped him.

“Moony,” Sirius said, reaching out and wrapping the fingers of one hand around Remus’s arm. He tugged him back gently until they were facing other again. They were so close, like they had been before dinner, their faces only inches apart. Their breathing was unnaturally heavy once more, and almost before Remus could grasp what was happening, Sirius had kissed him. Just a gentle peck, almost like he was asking permission before he took things any further. “I wanted to do that since that night I saw you in the Shrieking Shack.”

“Still?”

“I told you,” Sirius said, seeming to search Remus’s eyes for any kind of answer, “love doesn’t just turn off. And it still hasn’t. Not for me. I never stopped loving you while I was gone.”

Remus’s breath had grown even heavier still, his chest almost heaving with each breath in and out. “Nor have I. I understand completely what you meant when you said that you didn’t stop loving me, even though you thought I was a traitor. Because I never stopped loving you, even when I thought you had killed all those people. I knew that was insane, too - how could I love someone like that? - but it wasn’t a feeling I could just make go away. And I _tried_. I tried everything you can possibly imagine to get over you, and I couldn’t.”

“So where does that leave us?” Sirius asked.

“I didn’t - I didn’t think you’d want this,” Remus said, gesturing between them. “I didn’t think you’d want me after all these years. We’ve both changed so much…so much has happened for us to pick right up where we left off.”

Sirius considered this before replying. “I don’t think we would be picking up where we left off. You’re right, way too much has happened for us to be able to do that. But I still want to be with you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. And you still haven’t answered me,” he added nervously.

Remus blinked. “What was the question?” He was feeling so consumed by everything Sirius was saying, by the turn their conversation had taken.

“What do _you_ want?” Sirius asked. “How do you feel after all these years?”

Snorting with laughter, Remus said, “You have to ask? What happened to that dictionary of yours?”

“Yes, I have to ask!” Sirius cried. “I think my dictionary cut out the moment I kissed you. I can’t quite think straight anymore. And I still don’t know if that kiss was all right or not. Cut a bloke a break and help me out here!”

Remus smiled - the first true one to cross his face all night - and then he snaked his arms up and around Sirius’s neck, pulling him close. “I love you, you mangy mutt. Always have, always will.” He kissed him, but this time, it was heavy and passionate. The complete opposite of what Sirius’s first tentative kiss had been.

When they broke apart for air, Sirius grasped one of Remus’s hands and started pulling him in the direction of the stairs. Remus held back, his gaze going to the stairs and then back to Sirius again. “Should we…?” he hesitantly.

“I want you, Moony,” Sirius breathed. “More than I’ve ever wanted anything. It’s been too long. So many things about us have become faded with time…I just want to remember again. I just want to love you again. If you’ll have me.”

Remus didn’t reply. He simply tightened his grip on Sirius’s hand, taking the lead up to the first floor.

~~~~~~~~~~

For a very precarious moment, just before Remus opened his eyes the next morning, he thought he would be alone in his bed. That Sirius would be gone from him once again, just like on that fateful day fourteen years ago. But Remus couldn’t have been more wrong. Sirius was still very much there, their naked limbs entangled around each other like they were both holding on for dear life.

Remus had his head cradled on Sirius’s chest, the strong beating soothing to him. This was certainly a place he never expected to be again - in bed with Sirius after they had made love the night before. The very thought of it sent tingles through Remus’s spine. Last night had been a bit clunky - they had both been so nervous and so out of practice - but it had been so full of raw passion and love. Remus was hard-pressed to come up with a more perfect night spent between them.

The morning sun was shining brightly through the window, reflecting off of Sirius’s hair which was splayed across the pillow under his head. It was still as black as ever, which made Remus smile. Sirius could be very vain about his hair, and it pleased Remus to know that it had held up so well despite the hell Sirius had been through. Besides, it was nice to know that no matter how different some things were, other things were still exactly the same. Remus sighed in contentment.

The sound caused Sirius to stir, and as he awoke, he immediately wrapped his arms tightly around Remus. “For a moment there,” Sirius gasped, “I thought you were going to be gone when I opened my eyes. Like this entire thing would be a dream.”

“I know,” Remus agreed, snuggling closer to Sirius. “Me too.”

Sirius took a deep breath and let it out, trying to calm himself, and then he began to stretch out around Remus. “D’you reckon this was what Dumbledore had in mind when he told me to lie low here?” he asked around a yawn.

Remus snickered. “I doubt it, but can you please, _please_ not mention Dumbledore when we’re in bed together?”

“Point taken, but can we lie low some more anyway?” Without waiting for an answer, Sirius gently pushed Remus away before turning over. He pushed Remus on to his back, wrapping his arms around him tightly. Sirius began to kiss him fervently, just like they had the night before.

“Again?” Remus asked in between kisses.

“Mhm,” Sirius hummed as he pulled away a bit. He ran a hand through Remus’s hair, and then he stared at it for a very long time, almost looking puzzled.

“What?”

“It didn’t even occur to me until just now,” Sirius said wistfully, still fingering a strand of Remus’s hair. “Please tell me I’m not the reason that you’ve gone so grey.”

Remus raised his eyebrows.

“Not that I’m complaining about it!” Sirius exclaimed, putting a hand up in defense. “Quite the contrary. I think it’s rather becoming. I just hate to think that I might have been the source of so much stress in your life.”

“I’m sure it didn’t help,” Remus replied, “but you weren’t the sole reason, no. Occupational hazard of being a werewolf.”

Sirius blinked. “Oh. You told me that before, didn’t you?”

Remus frowned, trying desperately to remember things that had been said and done so long ago. “I think so,” he said, and then he laughed as the memory came back to him. “I think I told you that you weren’t allowed to leave me for someone hotter and younger when we got older, even if I did go completely grey first.”

“Never,” Sirius said firmly. “If Azkaban - the most miserable place on this earth, I’m sure - can’t change that, I promise you nothing will. Certainly not any other hot young werewolf.”

“What other hot young werewolves do you know?”

“Just you,” Sirius said. “It’s always been you. It always will be you. Even when we’re as old as Dumbledore, sitting in our rocking chairs on the front porch.”

Remus closed his eyes. “Padfoot!”

Sirius chuckled. “Sorry. I just wanted to get my point across. That there can never be anyone else in my life like you. No one can ever replace you, or make me feel such intense love that I feel for you. I just want to show you how much I love you, Moony. That’s all. That’s all I’ve wanted to do for twenty damn years. That‘s all I want to do for the rest of my life. For the rest of our lives. Or as long as you’ll have me.”

“Forever,” Remus sighed. He lifted his head up off the pillow slightly until his lips met Sirius’s. He then pulled Sirius down on top of him, their bodies quickly coming together almost desperately, like they were trying to relearn everything they had forgotten about each other.

They had a lot of time to make up for.

_The end_


End file.
